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A Glimpse into the Brain of Anxiety

Today’s Cup of Coffee is from my favorite place, Hopscotch Coffee. I am drinking a cappuccino made with almond milk. It’s warm, creamy, bitter, but delicious. Today’s Coffee Chat is focused on the topic of anxiety.

“Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog, where no one notices the contrast of white on white.”

It’s the loneliness, the darkness, and the frustration brought on daily. It’s trying to fix something that’s not broken. It’s feeling unnoticed, not worthy, and insecure.

When life is going the way you want, you’re always worrying about what could go wrong. Thinking, ” how can I control this? How can I control what happens next?” The issue with this is that you’ll never control the things you truly want to control. There are things in this life that bring me constant anxiety and I’m not going to control them no matter how much I would like to. I want to control things like diseases that effect those closest to my heart. I want to stop him from potentially leaving me one day, while I can do all the right things at the end of the day you’re not going to stop some one from leaving you if that’s what they decide. I can’t control someone else’s feelings. You want to give everything you have to make those you love happiest, even if that means making sacrifices, but sometimes there isn’t anything you can do except just be there for someone. However, I will always worry, I will always jump to worse case scenarios in my head.

If I haven’t heard from my parents in a while my mind goes straight to the idea that they were in a car accident. My mind is more pessimistic than optimistic. It’s an everyday uphill battle. People would argue you can control your attitude and optimism, however, it’s extremely difficult when your mind tries to fight you in that.

Anxiety makes me feel worthless. It makes social situations hard. If  you’re not invited to something, you feel like they don’t want to be your friends anymore. You feel as if you’re not as crucial to the friend group compared to others.

When things are going wrong in your life, you might tell one person you are super close with every last excruciating detail. You’re friends, who may notice something is wrong, will get some of the information, but nothing too detailed. It’s wanting to put on a front that you have it all together. You’re Instagram is on point, you’re seen as ‘healthy’, or at least that’s what your Instagram tells people. They don’t see your portion control issues or the slip ups that you beat yourself up over.

It’s being extremely self aware. Anxiety, leads to over thinking every word you say to someone. It’s worrying that you might have come off too negative to someone, or said something that might have secretly offended them. No matter how irrational it may seem, these are valid feelings.

Anxiety might make you seem crazy to those who don’t understand it. However, that’s why I’m writing. I want those who don’t experience this first hand to hopefully get a glimpse into the mind of someone who does. My anxiety has ruined many things in my life, and you’re constantly learning how to get around that; preventing it from happening again.

“She parks her car outside of my house, takes her clothes off, says she’s close to understanding Jesus. She knows she just a little misunderstood. She has trouble acting normal, well I have trouble acting normal.”

Anxiety makes my relationship with God go through ups and downs. It’s a control issue. Sometimes I put my complete and utter faith in him and allow Him to take control. Other times, I try to take matters into my own hands whether I realize it or not and  leave Him out of it. While I know this is not effective, it definitely is challenging to overcome permanently. What I do know is that surrendering it all to God is the best thing you can do. Just pray on it. However, I know that is much easier said then done.

I also believe in the power of therapy. My psychologist has seen me all throughout different periods in my life depending what is happening. I know there is a stigma with therapy, but I encourage you to go if you’re on the fence about it. It truly has helped equipped me with the tools to help me cope. I also know there is sometimes a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes anxiety. This is the case for me, as well. I tried various coping mechanisms for the majority of my life, until finally my doctor and I determined that there must be something else going on, that is partly out of my control. However, you just have to take it one day at a time.

There will always be days of ups and downs. You’ll feel social and want to be with your friends 24/7 and then you ‘ll have times where you will hide in your room for days because you don’t want to be a burden to those around you. I get it. I’m right there with you.

I know we can get through this. I know it’s a struggle but pushing through to the other side is worth it even if it’s not permanent. Over time you’ll learn methods that will help you cope, and hopefully allow you to diminish the effects of your anxiety on a daily basis. You got this. I believe in you.

Here are some song lyrics that just have been resonating with me recently. Take what you’d like out of them, and ponder on what they might mean to you.

“I need a phone call, I need a raincoat, I need a big love, I need a phone call, I need a Sunburn.” – Counting Crows

“She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land, just like she’s walking on a wire in the circus, she parks her car outside of my house and takes her clothes off, says she’s close to understanding Jesus
and she knows she’s more than just a little misunderstood, she has trouble acting normal when she’s nervous” – Counting Crows

“Round here we all look the same, Round here we talk just like lions, But we sacrifice like lambs.” – Counting Crows

“She says, “It’s only in my head.” She says, “Shh I know it’s only in my head.” – Counting Crows

What are your ways to cope with anxiety? Let me know in the comments below!

xoxo,

 

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